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MONDAY, MARCH 22, 2010

Cold Cock Riders of The New Media Hype




I have been absent for a while, taking in the sights and sounds of an elsewhere place. Where? None of your business.

However, upon my return I see countless pasty faced quasi-gothy emo types, proto-teenagers for eternity, lining up with their eyes lined with black gunk, craving blood. Apparently.

Throughout your media are VAMPIRES.

Once, these things were to be feared, scary monsters that drained life, spread their contagion, or general fucked you up in some way. Some punctured your neck and sucked like a two-bit whore until you were dry, some just ripped you to pieces and dined on flesh and blood alike.

But on 21st century earth, a new attitude means these guys are SEXY. Perhaps they always have been, but these days, it seems that a vampire is the object of many teen girls desire.

I could go into the full socio-literary-folkloric history of said bloodsuckers, and how they have arrived at this zenith point. But I won't. Look elsewhere for that.

Instead, I have a suggestion. If you really want to fuck something cold and lifeless, buy a good dildo. It's more accessible, more controllable, probably less dangerous. Oh yeah - and it's REAL. Vampires aren't. Even the most pasty-faced girlyboy dressed in his finest dark attire isn't a real vampire, and he can probably give you chlamydia or knock you up. A dildo won't. So put on your Paramore CD, or Lacuna Coil or whatever audio vibe is appropriate, and take a spin on a multispeed vibrator in the dark. And if you really need that blood thing, just wait until the right time ... idiots.

And don't even start about werewolves - a whole new definition of doggy style ...

So what will be the next cool fuckbuddy? Droids?

Some of my Japanese friends have been getting off on tentacles and robocock for years. They could give a few good pointers.

Or maybe some neohippy explosion will mean we'll all want to fuck dryads, and will lop a limb off a larch and autobugger ourselves into submission?

It's good to be back ... not.


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